My Road
I've always related to Frost's "The Road Less Traveled", sometimes I think i'm not on a road but lost in the outback, tangled in the underbrush. Still I digress. I have made choices that seem to have made the road longer. What is my legacy, what will it be a wayward childlike state or is this path changing before me. I'm always on a wire, balancing my life, family and friends. I'm sure we all are, however so many times everyone seems to be pulling me an opposite direction. Then there's my heart it's just as confused and just as torn. It seems to pull me opposite of the other 3. Which do I listen to? Do I let someone down, maybe not just one down to rescue myself or do I continue this balancing act until it exausts me.
I wrote this 4 years ago but it seems I have come full circle. I am muddy, scratched and scarred from the underbrush; and now I am hiding in it. I am constantly trying to please everyone I love and yet somehow I am never happy with that decision. But when I do what I want I feel overwhelmingly guilty like I am doing something wrong. I always think of that line out of Sweet Home Alabama..."you can have roots and wings" Is that really true...how? Will someone fill me in. I know what I want out of life but for some reason I ever quite reach it or find it. All I want is a job where I can support Landon and I. The rest will fall into place as it should. I loved teaching I miss every minute of it; but thanks to the school budget cuts; I am afraid that may not be an option this year for me. I am praying something opens up somewhere but honestly it's not looking to good. I find myself looking back and asking myself why the hell did I move, why did I resign from a job that I loved to move. Why did I think it would be better there. I see the big picture, I would not have Landon had I not moved. I would have most relalisticly died from cancer that I did not know I had and may have not found out about until it was too late. Landon, That is now my world...I love him more than anything if I had to give up teaching for one person it would be him. I think of other options all the time; however, none of my ideas include major medical insurance and that is an absoulte necesity @ this point. Then I think, hell my job doesn't even provide major medical and I see insurance. That's the down side to being your own boss, you can't afford health coverage. :( I have no clue what life is bringing for us, I do know that the Road Less Traveled now includes a baby stroller or one of those cool backpack things so I have to watch my step even closer.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Life is Tough...then we nap
Things are as insane as ever here. There are a handful of strange people in this world who think without a stressful life I will wither away...people YOU ARE WRONG. I would love to have a cushy stress free life; however I'm not that fortunate YET!!
Landon is growing so fast it's not even funny. Last Saturday he cut his two bottom teeth. He had one break through in the morning and one break though @ night. :) now you can see them some they are ADORABLE!!! He's slowly being introduced to solid foods now. He's totally my kid; he could careless about the veggies give him his fruit. When he eats he sits with his arms stretched behind him and his mouth wide open it's too freaking cute.
I'm slowly getting my life back; I was finally able to find a job; not teaching. I am working as a sales rep again and straight commission is extremely scary now. I found there are alot of problems with me getting insurance as an independent sales person and not being offered group benefits from my job. I am not sure how that is going to work honestly. I am worried I'm going to run into some preexisting limits somewhere over it because here in TX individual insurance is not like group insurance; they can refuse to cover anything pre-existing even if you have insurance the entire time.
I swear at times I think things will never get back to normal. 3 years ago I was teaching and loved every min. I moved thinking it was the right thing to do; lost my job moved back and now teachers are being laid off everywhere so I cannot find a job teaching. My boss keeps talking about how I can make so much more money. People do not understand you do not go into teaching for the money you do it for the service. I am a good sales rep but my heart is not in it as much as it is teaching. People do not get that. They think we take the job to have summers off; personally I am not worried about summers off; I teach because I love helping kids I love the "ah-ha" moment when they get what I have been drilling in to their heads for months. That's my new sales rush. Now I have to switch gears and get back into this mode; it's strange and I am not sure what to think. I have always been the one to tuck my tail and run. Now I can't and it's hard. I know I can make it but it's hard..
Landon is growing so fast it's not even funny. Last Saturday he cut his two bottom teeth. He had one break through in the morning and one break though @ night. :) now you can see them some they are ADORABLE!!! He's slowly being introduced to solid foods now. He's totally my kid; he could careless about the veggies give him his fruit. When he eats he sits with his arms stretched behind him and his mouth wide open it's too freaking cute.
I'm slowly getting my life back; I was finally able to find a job; not teaching. I am working as a sales rep again and straight commission is extremely scary now. I found there are alot of problems with me getting insurance as an independent sales person and not being offered group benefits from my job. I am not sure how that is going to work honestly. I am worried I'm going to run into some preexisting limits somewhere over it because here in TX individual insurance is not like group insurance; they can refuse to cover anything pre-existing even if you have insurance the entire time.
I swear at times I think things will never get back to normal. 3 years ago I was teaching and loved every min. I moved thinking it was the right thing to do; lost my job moved back and now teachers are being laid off everywhere so I cannot find a job teaching. My boss keeps talking about how I can make so much more money. People do not understand you do not go into teaching for the money you do it for the service. I am a good sales rep but my heart is not in it as much as it is teaching. People do not get that. They think we take the job to have summers off; personally I am not worried about summers off; I teach because I love helping kids I love the "ah-ha" moment when they get what I have been drilling in to their heads for months. That's my new sales rush. Now I have to switch gears and get back into this mode; it's strange and I am not sure what to think. I have always been the one to tuck my tail and run. Now I can't and it's hard. I know I can make it but it's hard..
Reflections for a Year Ago
1/30/2011
A year ago today my life changed forever. I found out I was going to be a mom. I remember being so scared and worried about how I was going to raise Landon on my own. In the last year I have found out I have more strength in me than I ever knew I had. I have learned to stand my ground( something some friends thought I may never do). I have learned that I can overcome more obstacles than I give myself credit. I am so different. Anyone who knows me well knows that I would not have been ever considered wanting to stay here and waiting until next year to find a permaenent job. They know how bad I wanted to leave this town now it's different. I see how Landon interacts with my family and that's more important than any thing. He adores his grandparents. No matter how much my heart longs to move; I just cannot bring myself to do that to him @ this point. Funny how things change. I remember being so ashamed of the situation I would not even want to go to the store here once I started to show. I remember how I cried everynight because I felt like I let everyone down. I remember my babysitter from when I was younger telling me to hold my head up high because she did it years before me. I remember praying countless nights that things will work out. Here are some of the things I have learned in this last year.
1. Doors close for a reason; don't question it.
2. God has a bigger plan in mind even when you do not understand.
3. Once a mom a less stressfull life is something we dream about but not a reality. Stuff happens
4. Roll with it; it seems like yesterday that lady was telling me I was pregnant, now he's almost 4 months old.
5. Yes we are that old don't rub it in and ask...it's rude..lol!!
6. If a caterpillar can become a butterfly...imagine what you can become....
7. Plan B is not always as bad as it seems.
8. Trust you instincts they are probably right; even when everyone says it may be wrong.
9. Think outside the box you never know the posbilities.
10. No matter how bad things get, the best way to end a bad day is with someone in your arms who thinks you are the world.
11. Nothing brightens your day like a smile from a baby....:)
A year ago today my life changed forever. I found out I was going to be a mom. I remember being so scared and worried about how I was going to raise Landon on my own. In the last year I have found out I have more strength in me than I ever knew I had. I have learned to stand my ground( something some friends thought I may never do). I have learned that I can overcome more obstacles than I give myself credit. I am so different. Anyone who knows me well knows that I would not have been ever considered wanting to stay here and waiting until next year to find a permaenent job. They know how bad I wanted to leave this town now it's different. I see how Landon interacts with my family and that's more important than any thing. He adores his grandparents. No matter how much my heart longs to move; I just cannot bring myself to do that to him @ this point. Funny how things change. I remember being so ashamed of the situation I would not even want to go to the store here once I started to show. I remember how I cried everynight because I felt like I let everyone down. I remember my babysitter from when I was younger telling me to hold my head up high because she did it years before me. I remember praying countless nights that things will work out. Here are some of the things I have learned in this last year.
1. Doors close for a reason; don't question it.
2. God has a bigger plan in mind even when you do not understand.
3. Once a mom a less stressfull life is something we dream about but not a reality. Stuff happens
4. Roll with it; it seems like yesterday that lady was telling me I was pregnant, now he's almost 4 months old.
5. Yes we are that old don't rub it in and ask...it's rude..lol!!
6. If a caterpillar can become a butterfly...imagine what you can become....
7. Plan B is not always as bad as it seems.
8. Trust you instincts they are probably right; even when everyone says it may be wrong.
9. Think outside the box you never know the posbilities.
10. No matter how bad things get, the best way to end a bad day is with someone in your arms who thinks you are the world.
11. Nothing brightens your day like a smile from a baby....:)
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