I'm still extremely tired and very grouchy at times; I'm asking about that on Wednesday when I see my Doctor; he said I should be feeling more like my old self...I hate to break it to you Doc...it's not happening and quiet frankly it's frustrating me. I do not have time to be a walking zombie; I have a job to find. It's really scary knowing I may have to move at a moment's notice. I'm having to 100% trust God with this one. If I start worrying about day care and apartments right now I will probablly have a massive panic attack. It's not that I am not thinking about it; I know where to start but my first priority has to be landing the job interview. I have general ideas about where to look for apartments and day care in every city I am applying for but there is not much use in me looking too far into it until I know where God is leading me for a job. I trust there is a school for me. It may be here in my home town; or it may be far away from here. I pray my family remembers that if I have to move it's out of necesity to provide for Landon; not because I want to. First of all the thought of moving and truely raising Landon on my own sends me into a panic; I know God is with me and will never give me more than I can handle and he has a plan for us. I have to to trust God completely. I would love to be able to find something locally and stay; but it may not be where God wants me. I'm giving it to him. Yes a local position means not having to worry about finding an apartment so fast; or day care and I don't have to find a new church...those are all positives. But what if God has another school for me. What if the students God wants me to reach are not here; what if they are in another city? I found a job with a school today that is not teaching but would be right up my alley working with at risk kids. I can't help but wonder if God may have a job like that for me. Yes it's way out of my comfort zone and far from home but so many times I have said I'm giving it to God but then I try to take over because I don't like the direction my life seems to be going. I have to trust God to put us where he wants us. I have to do this right; I have to lead by example and show Landon how to trust God completely even when you are scared to death. The thought of moving away from my friends and family right now makes me panic; but something tells me that may be where I am supose to be. I alway try to stay in my comfort zone but that's not always where God wants us; we don't grow that way. I have to push kids out of their comfort zone to help them become better readers. If they only read the easy books; they will never become advanced readers. God may be doing that with me now. He may be pushing me where I have to depend on him totally.
With everything that has happened this year I see where God has opened doors for me that I never expected. I have been in contact with old friends I have not talked to in years. Friends who hold me accountable for my actions and my faith. Friends that when I was younger helped me Walk the Walk and not just Talk the Talk. That's the problem; at the begining of this year I was just talking the talk. My walk was not where it needed to be at all. (thus how I became a single mom) Through all of this I have realized my walk will be the most important thing I teach Landon over the next 18 years. My job is to help him become the man God wants him to be while still becoming the Woman God wants me to be. It's going to be a delicate balance but I know with God's help I can do it. Walking the walk is the best gift I can give Landon ever.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Our First Christmas
Today was Landon's first Christmas. He was adorable watching the lights. He just stares at them. I'm sure I went overboard since he is so young; but I was so grateful to be here. I think that was part of it. I was so worried that I was going to miss today. I am grateful to know that we will have many more Christmas's to come. Christmas meant alot more too me this year though; it wasn't about the gifts I recieved or where I went. It was about sitting around playing with Landon. It was about being thankful that I found out about all of this in time to know I have more Christmas' to celebrate with my son.
He has started babbling to everything. It's too funny; I laid him in his bed tonight while I was folding laundry; he spent 30 minutes talking to his mobile. I have no clue what he and those little toys spinning around talk about but it's an intense conversation. I can't help but giggle when he does it. Now when I lay him down in front of me he has started smiling and cooing @ me and it's adorable. My mom and sister said he started doing it about a week and a half ago. I told them it did not count until I saw it! He just oo's and ah's at everything now. It's amazing that I left and he was more alert but not really being very vocal; he would make a sound here and there. When he did make sounds a few weeks ago he would get a startled look like "what was that" or "did I make that sound" it was cute. Now he knows he's making those sounds and just talks to you all the time.
He has started babbling to everything. It's too funny; I laid him in his bed tonight while I was folding laundry; he spent 30 minutes talking to his mobile. I have no clue what he and those little toys spinning around talk about but it's an intense conversation. I can't help but giggle when he does it. Now when I lay him down in front of me he has started smiling and cooing @ me and it's adorable. My mom and sister said he started doing it about a week and a half ago. I told them it did not count until I saw it! He just oo's and ah's at everything now. It's amazing that I left and he was more alert but not really being very vocal; he would make a sound here and there. When he did make sounds a few weeks ago he would get a startled look like "what was that" or "did I make that sound" it was cute. Now he knows he's making those sounds and just talks to you all the time.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Home!
I got to come home today! When I went to the Doctor yesterday for the body scan to make sure the radiation worked; they told me there were not even traces of Radioactive Iodine in my neck. Translation--I am safe to hug kiss and love on Landon as much as I want. The nuclear nurse asked me to give it until today to come home so I followed state regulations but that I could hold him all day safely if I wanted! :) Happy Momma and Happy Baby!
I go back to the Dr in two weeks and I'm praying he says what I've been dying to hear! No more Cancer! YAY!!!
When I got home; I called my friend and asked her did she want me to come to her house or did she want meet me here; she said she was on her way! When he got here I was amazed how much bigger he is even in a week! He is longer and bigger! He started crying for a few minutes but then he snuggled up to me and we both fell asleep! Anytime I put him down he would wake up fussing. It's too funny because he has started sucking his thumb when he cannot find his binky! I keep trying to hurry and put the binky in his mouth before he finds his thumb! LOL I figure a binky will be easier to break @ a year than a thumb will.
Anyway, more later for now I have lots of hugs and kisses waiting and I am no where near caught up!!!
I go back to the Dr in two weeks and I'm praying he says what I've been dying to hear! No more Cancer! YAY!!!
When I got home; I called my friend and asked her did she want me to come to her house or did she want meet me here; she said she was on her way! When he got here I was amazed how much bigger he is even in a week! He is longer and bigger! He started crying for a few minutes but then he snuggled up to me and we both fell asleep! Anytime I put him down he would wake up fussing. It's too funny because he has started sucking his thumb when he cannot find his binky! I keep trying to hurry and put the binky in his mouth before he finds his thumb! LOL I figure a binky will be easier to break @ a year than a thumb will.
Anyway, more later for now I have lots of hugs and kisses waiting and I am no where near caught up!!!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sleep for the weary
After my rant last night I went home and went to sleep finally. I slept most of the day; a luxury most new moms may be jealous over. I promise you it's no fun; if given my choice I would rather be home with him watching him learn to smile. Instead I have to settle for listening to his Nana describe it and try to imagine it. I probablly slept way too much today but I figure my body needed it. Maybe not; I always freak out when I sleep too much because I wonder what's wrong with me. I don't like that my body can sleep without registering that it's daylight outside. To me that's not normal anymore. At one point in my life it was; this is not that point though. So the extended sleep makes me nervous. Yes time passes and I am unaware of it but still. Tomorrow I have lots to do and I am hoping that the extra work keeps me distracted so that the day actually flies by. Then I only have one more day to get through. I want to break out and sing Les Mis "One Day More!"
My sister jokes that when Landon is 16 she will remind me of this journey and how I cried everyday that I could not hug or kiss him. She is so animated; she said "you know at 16 you''re going to be praying for a vacation. I going to remind you that you had all this time away when he was a newborn that you cried over!" It may be true but what new mom wants to leave her baby. Even when he's collicy, screamins, constipated and in agony he's my baby. I'm all gushy with love for him and wanna just get to know him. I don't wanna spend that time being away from him because I'm not safe to hold him. :(
Anyway, I'm off for now. Starbucks is crowded so I wanna pack up and go back to my little room for a nap.
Tomorrow is one day closer to the end of this Journey. 2010 you have been a wild ride; my best and worst both happened in one frail swoop. What was 2011 hold? Time will only tell!.
My sister jokes that when Landon is 16 she will remind me of this journey and how I cried everyday that I could not hug or kiss him. She is so animated; she said "you know at 16 you''re going to be praying for a vacation. I going to remind you that you had all this time away when he was a newborn that you cried over!" It may be true but what new mom wants to leave her baby. Even when he's collicy, screamins, constipated and in agony he's my baby. I'm all gushy with love for him and wanna just get to know him. I don't wanna spend that time being away from him because I'm not safe to hold him. :(
Anyway, I'm off for now. Starbucks is crowded so I wanna pack up and go back to my little room for a nap.
Tomorrow is one day closer to the end of this Journey. 2010 you have been a wild ride; my best and worst both happened in one frail swoop. What was 2011 hold? Time will only tell!.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Meeting Santa
My Darkest Hour
Well today is day 6 of my Radioactive Iodine Treatment. I have been out of the Hospital for 3 days now; but still not safe enough to be near my baby for another 5. It's a long slow process waiting on this to end. Everyone keeps saying "your almost through this" and yes I am; however these people are not the ones that are away from their family. I know they mean well and I am very grateful but being stuck in Isololation @ the hospital for 3 days then another 2 days of sitting in a room alone for most of the day because you did not need to spend more than an hour next to anyone. Last night I was able to actually able to leave and stay out for more than a short time. It helped but still I'm ready to go home. I miss my baby. I told my Mom that if he sits up and says "Hi Mom!" It does not count until I'm home to see it.
Before I started this treatment my Dr advised me that this would get worse before it gets better. She said the depression, exaustion and emotional rollercoaster would become even more evident. And to top it off I could gain more weight. NOW WAIT A MIN! I did not sign up for that. The hardest part of this is the isolation. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a social butterfly. I don't like to sit alone for a day; much less 8 consecutive days.
That's the hardest part; I'm worried how many firsts I am going to miss being away from home. I know this is a short moment in a lifetime but right now time is going by so slow it feels like a lifetime. People don't realize it. I have had people compare it their baby being in NICU and other things...it's similar but I can have absoultely NO CONTACT with my child. In NICU in most circumstances parents can see their child, and touch him with gloves or through the tents. I can't even do that. There is not a single thing I can do to safely touch my child. Not until Wednesday; and what is frustrating is the Doctor's said that on Wednesday I SHOULD be safe to go home; not definately. But when I question that they say the same canned statement. "You need to avoid all contact with Infants or Small Children until 8 days after Dosing." I will ask am I safe to hold him, hug him and kiss him and then they say "I SHOULD be" I don't want a should be...I want a definately without a doubt no question in their mind I am 100% safe to hug and kiss and love on my child. If it's not safe at that point; I could accept that but they skirt the issue and it's frustrating. When I search online I find all kinds of different information and that just confuses me even more. This is the most emotional rollercoaster ride I have ever been on and it's frustrating. Between my body reacting to the lack of thryoid hormone, the post partum, and the stress of no job, raising a baby alone and everything else I'm ready to scream. Maybe that's what this part of my blog is for...to vent it out so I can manage it again. For me writing is my stress relief....it's how I get it out cope and move on.
I know a job will open up, I know Landon and I will be fine. I guess right now is just the darkest hour before the sun and it's taking a toll on me. I remember my mom telling me once that she noticed I freaked out over my problems alot between midnight and 4 am. She pointed out to me that I was worring about them in the darkest hours of the day. She reminded me that as a Christian I should not be worrying about them; I should be handing them over to God. She told me it's human to want to worry about our problems and to remember to give them to God. She also pointed out that when we worry when it's that late at night; we can't see anything but the darkness. We can't see the light at all. I don't know if that makes sence to anyone but me but it does.
This week is my darkest hour right now. It's the last few days before I can go home to my child. Time goes by so slowly for me here. I know that I have a lifetime with my child because of these 2 weeks. We will have other problems that come our way throughout this life. It's my job to hold my head up and try to stay positive; even now he can sence that. (See...i'm feeling better...) I know that life will have it's snares and hard times; it also has plenty of smiles and giggles coming our way. Until Wednesday I will sit here and wonder what that giggle will sound like once he finds it....
Before I started this treatment my Dr advised me that this would get worse before it gets better. She said the depression, exaustion and emotional rollercoaster would become even more evident. And to top it off I could gain more weight. NOW WAIT A MIN! I did not sign up for that. The hardest part of this is the isolation. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a social butterfly. I don't like to sit alone for a day; much less 8 consecutive days.
That's the hardest part; I'm worried how many firsts I am going to miss being away from home. I know this is a short moment in a lifetime but right now time is going by so slow it feels like a lifetime. People don't realize it. I have had people compare it their baby being in NICU and other things...it's similar but I can have absoultely NO CONTACT with my child. In NICU in most circumstances parents can see their child, and touch him with gloves or through the tents. I can't even do that. There is not a single thing I can do to safely touch my child. Not until Wednesday; and what is frustrating is the Doctor's said that on Wednesday I SHOULD be safe to go home; not definately. But when I question that they say the same canned statement. "You need to avoid all contact with Infants or Small Children until 8 days after Dosing." I will ask am I safe to hold him, hug him and kiss him and then they say "I SHOULD be" I don't want a should be...I want a definately without a doubt no question in their mind I am 100% safe to hug and kiss and love on my child. If it's not safe at that point; I could accept that but they skirt the issue and it's frustrating. When I search online I find all kinds of different information and that just confuses me even more. This is the most emotional rollercoaster ride I have ever been on and it's frustrating. Between my body reacting to the lack of thryoid hormone, the post partum, and the stress of no job, raising a baby alone and everything else I'm ready to scream. Maybe that's what this part of my blog is for...to vent it out so I can manage it again. For me writing is my stress relief....it's how I get it out cope and move on.
I know a job will open up, I know Landon and I will be fine. I guess right now is just the darkest hour before the sun and it's taking a toll on me. I remember my mom telling me once that she noticed I freaked out over my problems alot between midnight and 4 am. She pointed out to me that I was worring about them in the darkest hours of the day. She reminded me that as a Christian I should not be worrying about them; I should be handing them over to God. She told me it's human to want to worry about our problems and to remember to give them to God. She also pointed out that when we worry when it's that late at night; we can't see anything but the darkness. We can't see the light at all. I don't know if that makes sence to anyone but me but it does.
This week is my darkest hour right now. It's the last few days before I can go home to my child. Time goes by so slowly for me here. I know that I have a lifetime with my child because of these 2 weeks. We will have other problems that come our way throughout this life. It's my job to hold my head up and try to stay positive; even now he can sence that. (See...i'm feeling better...) I know that life will have it's snares and hard times; it also has plenty of smiles and giggles coming our way. Until Wednesday I will sit here and wonder what that giggle will sound like once he finds it....
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