My Darkest Hour

Well today is day 6 of my Radioactive Iodine Treatment. I have been out of the Hospital for 3 days now; but still not safe enough to be near my baby for another 5. It's a long slow process waiting on this to end. Everyone keeps saying "your almost through this" and yes I am; however these people are not the ones that are away from their family. I know they mean well and I am very grateful but being stuck in Isololation @ the hospital for 3 days then another 2 days of sitting in a room alone for most of the day because you did not need to spend more than an hour next to anyone. Last night I was able to actually able to leave and stay out for more than a short time. It helped but still I'm ready to go home. I miss my baby. I told my Mom that if he sits up and says "Hi Mom!" It does not count until I'm home to see it.
Before I started this treatment my Dr advised me that this would get worse before it gets better. She said the depression, exaustion and emotional rollercoaster would become even more evident. And to top it off I could gain more weight. NOW WAIT A MIN! I did not sign up for that. The hardest part of this is the isolation. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a social butterfly. I don't like to sit alone for a day; much less 8 consecutive days.
That's the hardest part; I'm worried how many firsts I am going to miss being away from home. I know this is a short moment in a lifetime but right now time is going by so slow it feels like a lifetime. People don't realize it. I have had people compare it their baby being in NICU and other things...it's similar but I can have absoultely NO CONTACT with my child. In NICU in most circumstances parents can see their child, and touch him with gloves or through the tents. I can't even do that. There is not a single thing I can do to safely touch my child. Not until Wednesday; and what is frustrating is the Doctor's said that on Wednesday I SHOULD be safe to go home; not definately. But when I question that they say the same canned statement. "You need to avoid all contact with Infants or Small Children until 8 days after Dosing." I will ask am I safe to hold him, hug him and kiss him and then they say "I SHOULD be" I don't want a should be...I want a definately without a doubt no question in their mind I am 100% safe to hug and kiss and love on my child. If it's not safe at that point; I could accept that but they skirt the issue and it's frustrating. When I search online I find all kinds of different information and that just confuses me even more. This is the most emotional rollercoaster ride I have ever been on and it's frustrating. Between my body reacting to the lack of thryoid hormone, the post partum, and the stress of no job, raising a baby alone and everything else I'm ready to scream. Maybe that's what this part of my blog is for...to vent it out so I can manage it again. For me writing is my stress relief....it's how I get it out cope and move on.

I know a job will open up, I know Landon and I will be fine. I guess right now is just the darkest hour before the sun and it's taking a toll on me. I remember my mom telling me once that she noticed I freaked out over my problems alot between midnight and 4 am. She pointed out to me that I was worring about them in the darkest hours of the day. She reminded me that as a Christian I should not be worrying about them; I should be handing them over to God. She told me it's human to want to worry about our problems and to remember to give them to God. She also pointed out that when we worry when it's that late at night; we can't see anything but the darkness. We can't see the light at all. I don't know if that makes sence to anyone but me but it does.
This week is my darkest hour right now. It's the last few days before I can go home to my child. Time goes by so slowly for me here. I know that I have a lifetime with my child because of these 2 weeks. We will have other problems that come our way throughout this life. It's my job to hold my head up and try to stay positive; even now he can sence that. (See...i'm feeling better...) I know that life will have it's snares and hard times; it also has plenty of smiles and giggles coming our way. Until Wednesday I will sit here and wonder what that giggle will sound like once he finds it....