Thankful Reflections!

A lot of people did not know I was pregnant until right before I had Landon. I think one reason I did not voice that I was pregnant to many people was I really struggled with my pregnancy in the beginning because I am a Christian, I love God; I made a mistake, I sinned but now not just I knew it...the entire world would know. I had a hard time forgiving myself for deviating from the values I was raised with and honestly even though I don't voice I do hold them dear. Do not get me wrong I was very excited and happy but was afraid other people would not see it that way. I now see how God was even in control of this though because On September 15th I found out about having Thyroid Cancer, so I quit job hunting and started focusing on that for now. My family was helping me with Cobra so my insurance was covered; expensive but still covered (a close friend as pointed out that 18 months of cobra will never cost what MD Anderson would to cure cancer..so that's fine I will pay it and thank God that I choose to keep it until after I had Landon in the first place)

 I am also thankful that I had this extra time at home recovering to spend with him. Had I not had to have a second surgery and all this other stuff; I would have been back to job hunting as soon as he was born in hopes of starting work immediately after 6 weeks was up. I have had 4 months (minus about 25 days for surgery, radiation and other Dr things) with him. That's more than most women get.
I am job hunting fervently; however I am not receiving any calls. I am expanding beyond teaching and looking into some sales positions that are affiliated with schools now also. I know without a doubt there is a job for me that will meet my scheduling needs for my follow up visits with Dr's and time for Landon and also pay enough that we can survive. I have to completely and totally trust God on this one. I have been kicking and screaming at times that a teaching position is not opening up; I do have more leads and one of those may be the one. If it is not, I will have to put my big girl panties on, deal with it and thank God that he gave me a job no matter what I am doing. I keep telling myself  "Delight yourself in the Lord and HE will give you the desires of your heart." Therefore I will look everywhere and anywhere for a job. No matter what job it is I will thank God that I have it and be happy. With time he may be willing to reopen the door to a classroom. If not I will also accept that. My biggest prayer every night is that God provides a job where I will be able to pay all of my bills and still have what I need to care for Landon. That includes all of my student loans, car note, daycare everything. I do not want my family to ever have to help me this much. I know they do it and don't think twice about it but I honestly want my Dad to be able to retire and spend time with Landon. He's the only guy Landon has in his life to do Guy stuff with and I don't want him to just be the Grandpa that was only home around 28 days a year. If a sales job is what it takes so be it. I had lost focus on that for a while...maybe God is using Landon to remind me of that. I do pray that before Landon begins school I am back in a classroom. I love it and one thing that I am extremely grateful for was that my mom sacrificed doing what she loved (being a hospital nurse) to deal with sniffing students as a school nurse for a lot less pay. She did it just to be home with my sister and I growing up. I hated that my mom was always off when I was as a kid. It's impossible to do anything when your mom is breathing down your neck; however, I am thankful she was now. I pray God opens that door as Landon enters school so that I don't have to ship him off to day care for 3 months out of the year unless he wants to go visit friends for a little while. IF I don't find a teaching position again; I will simply remind myself that my mom gave up her favorite job for us. I remember her telling me once how much she loved working rounds in the Hospital; how she felt it was her calling. At the time, I never gave a thought to the fact that she spent 36 years doing something that wasn't her calling just so she could be home with us. I unfortunately as a single mom may be in the opposite boat; I may have to give up what I truly believe is my calling for now to be able to provide for Landon. I will have to trust that if I need to be home during the summer with him that God will open that door when it needs to be.







The back story to this hesitation about leaving teaching is this:

I went back to school 3 years ago to get my teaching certification. I taught 2 years in a small school and honestly should have never left. I loved teaching my kids; I had bad days with co-workers at times not seeing eye to eye on the best plan for our students. However I loved every single minute of teaching. It's fast paced, I have to be quick on my toes, think outside the box and never do the same thing day after day. That is the perfect job for me!  I realized the last day of school I was making a terrible mistake quiting but never opened my mouth to ask to stay. Leaving there would always be a regret; but I have to even give that to God. (I now know when I get that classroom position again, I will take the good with the bad and never leave again). Looking for a job in 2009 where I moved to ended up being a nightmare. Anyone that says places always need teachers; that is a myth. In this economy of budget cuts and other problems there are not as many positions as even I though. I finally recieved an offer and I took a positon with another school as a teacher that teaches kids that are too sick to go to school; something I thought I would love but quickly realized that I didn't. I missed teaching a room full of kids so much, I literally went home in tears almost everyday the first 4 months I worked there. I can remember my boss asking me was I okay; and wishing I could say I HATE THIS JOB AND WANT TO BE A CLASSROOM...not in this economy at least you smile say nothing is wrong and keep going. At the end of the year they did not renew my contract. This was a blow for several reasons; I already knew I was pregnant and on my own but had not told the school. I was afraid that if I opened my mouth they may not renew my contract. So for once I was waiting before I opened my mouth(Those that know me best know how ironic it is that the first time I keep my mouth shut I get burned because normally it's the oposite). I also realized I would be job hunting 7 months pregnant and having to leave on maternity leave shortly after school began. I fervantly hunted anyway. I had a few interviews but the schools went with other candidates. I also realized that I would not have insurance past August unless I either A had a job or B paid for Cobra. I was panicing. It's a wonder Landon is not a nervous wreck as stressed out as I was over this situation. Knowing I borrowed more money to go back to school and also knowing how much I loved teaching is a classroom and know that it was the first time I felt like I was doing what I was born to do makes admiting I may have to give it up even harder. Maybe that's where God is teaching me to grow.