A friend told me this week to stop worrying about past mistakes and focus on what I have going right in my life. That sounds like such an easy task to most people; for some reason not for me. Why is the coulda, shoulda, woulda cycle so strong for me. Its not just recently this has happened. For some reason it's been ingrained in my brain that I should have done things differently and that my life would be better. For many years I have felt that way too. I have always thought..if I had taken that job, or just stayed there or not done this or not wasted so many years with this person. I have been thinking about this for a couple of days and I now have a reason to not wish so many roads in my life were different...he is asleep in his bed and I would never change anything about my life b/c if I change one event prior to January of 2010 I most likely take Landon completely out of the equation...yes even moving back home from Denver...and that dear friend is not happening. I honestly can't imagine my life without him now. Yes it's hard, it's scarry it's frustrating @ times but Lan Man...he's my entire world. He's why I keep going when I don't want to, keep trying when nothing seems to be going right and why I now get up long before the double digits or past them on my day off. * those who know me best are rolling on the floor laughing...the rest are thinking "seriously"?
The other problem I have is that I am scared to death to rock the boat even if it's what's best for me. I have no clue why but fear of change paralizes me to that point. But it does and I am realizing it is ridculous. This too has been ingrained since childhood. I can remember my mom saying, we would move but your grandparents are here. Now I love my parents, and I want Landon to have a relationship with them but I do not want Landon to live in the East Texas bubble like I did. I think my grandparents would mean just as much to me if I had only seen them once in a while. I want Landon to experience life and not just from East Tx. This little voice always pops off in my head when I think about moving somewhere or changing careers or doing anything that is slightly daring. That voice nine times out of ten talks me out of what ever I am thinking about. I have to shut that little voice up some how.
Why am I rambling about this? Well, because I don't want Landon to fall into those traps like I did. I don't want him to be so regretful of his past that he totally misses out on his future and I don't want him to be so scared of change that he misses out on great opportunities that await him. Fun fact only a few people know, I NEVER EVER wanted to teach in a small town. Don't get me wrong I loved my students in the little towns I have been blessed to teach in and I love them. HOWEVER, that was not where I wanted to teach. The first teaching job I ever applied for was @ an alternative school in Brooklyn. Yeah I said it....Brooklyn as in NY. Now, no I am not moving to Brooklyn, NY with Landon. I wanted to teach there but i'm not raising my son there. Let me explain I l love teaching the kids that most teachers dread seeing on their roster. I love the ones who have a reputation before the ever walk in my class. The ones who are old enough to drive and only in Jr high, the ones who are in trouble with the law all the time, the ones who are so far behind in school even they themselves think it's hopeless. I love the challenge of pushing them to catch up to their grade level and being sucessful. I love the challenge of pushing them to do what they thought they couldn't do. I love their little faces when they have that "ah-ah:" moment and totaly get it. I love getting on their level and letting them know that I had the same challenges reading when I was their age. (yeah I was the girl you hated to have read out loud in class b/c it took forever and was painstakingly slow)...guess what don't under estimate that girl...I now teach your kids to read!!! I also get it when they get frustrated b/c wasn't easy for me either. I digress again...
The point is the only way Landon is going to learn how to overcome fears, live past regrets and follow his dreams is if he sees me do it. I can't tell my kid he can be anything he wants or do anything he wants and him actually believe it if he sees me stuck in a rut my entire life. Yes I said before I was not going to move around like I did once I found a job teaching. I was not lying when I said it. I thought I would not but I realize now that moving to a new place and seeing different parts of the world is a life I want Landon to experience. I want him to see first hand you can up and move and will survive it. Sometimes you are better for it...I have firends all of this crazy state b/c I have moved so much around tx it's insane...its just sad it's only been in TX. If people don't understand I am sorry you feel that way, but I'm through trying to make everyone else happy. I just can't please everyone. Those who truly love me will hug us bye when that day comes and realize it's what is best. Those who don't...sorry....
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