moving, jobs ect...

Life is currently kicking my butt all over the place. Everything is so up in the air, I don't know which end is up. I am trying to juggle two jobs, moving, raising a little boy to be a responsible man...my plate is over flowing more and more each day. I worry about how I am going to recover from the last year of not working and save up money. I owe more people money than anyone should ever owe. If I am not carfull I start panicing. My family wants to help but on their own terms. I understand they have lives themself but they do not understand I wish to do what I feel is best for my child even when it's not convient or fun. His little world has been turned upside down by this move, I need to keep as much stablility as possible. Some people get that, but they want to help on their terms. Their terms are not what's best for my child.
Everyone has an opinion about what's best for us. I don't need your opinion @ this point just your support. I have taken the job, moved and made the leap of faith your opinion was not given during the interview apartment hunting process everyone sat their with their mouth shut but now they open their mouth and want to tell me what I need to do after the fact. It doesn't work that way. Sorry...it doesn't.
am I hestant about this move, yes I am but not to the point that I need everyones advice, just a pat on the back and a little encouragement does my worried heart wonders @ this point. I am clinging to my faith with all my might, others are testing my faith and making me wonder if I am making the right decisions or doing the right thing. I need my doubting tomas' to keep their thoughts to themselves. I promise I have played out every single horrible bad thing that could happen over and over. I need encouragement and love right now not your criticism.
I need people to realize I am not going to let my past determine my future anymore. I am not a product of my past mistakes and failures. I am moving past those and you need to also, if you can't then perhaps we have nothing to say to each other anymore! Not trying to be rude or sound like a heifer but I am putting it all out on the table tonight.
I want what's best for my child...understand it please!!!
Sorry to rant I just had to get this off my chest!

My Road Revisited

This is off my other blog...but I think it belongs here too!!! My Road
I've always related to Frost's "The Road Less Traveled", sometimes I think i'm not on a road but lost in the outback, tangled in the underbrush. Still I digress. I have made choices that seem to have made the road longer. What is my legacy, what will it be a wayward childlike state or is this path changing before me. I'm always on a wire, balancing my life, family and friends. I'm sure we all are, however so many times everyone seems to be pulling me an opposite direction. Then there's my heart it's just as confused and just as torn. It seems to pull me opposite of the other 3. Which do I listen to? Do I let someone down, maybe not just one down to rescue myself or do I continue this balancing act until it exausts me.

I wrote this 4 years ago but it seems I have come full circle. I am muddy, scratched and scarred from the underbrush; and now I am hiding in it. I am constantly trying to please everyone I love and yet somehow I am never happy with that decision. But when I do what I want I feel overwhelmingly guilty like I am doing something wrong. I always think of that line out of Sweet Home Alabama..."you can have roots and wings" Is that really true...how? Will someone fill me in. I know what I want out of life but for some reason I ever quite reach it or find it. All I want is a job where I can support Landon and I. The rest will fall into place as it should. I loved teaching I miss every minute of it; but thanks to the school budget cuts; I am afraid that may not be an permanent option this year. I am praying as doors close I quickly find the ones that open up somewhere but honestly it's not looking to good. I find myself looking back and asking myself why did I move, why did I resign from a job that I loved to move from Jasper in the first place. Why did I think it would be better there. I see the big picture, I would not have Landon had I not moved. I would have most relalisticly not found out about that pesky cancer that I did not know I had until it was too late. Landon, That is now my world...I love him more than anything if I had to give up teaching for one person it would be him. I think of other options all the time; however, none of my ideas include major medical insurance and that is an absoulte necesity @ this point. That's the down side to being your own boss, you can't afford health coverage. :( I have no clue what life is bringing for us, I do know that the Road Less Traveled now includes a baby stroller or one of those cool backpack things for a baby so I have to watch my step even closer.

Life Lessons...another "ah-ah" moment

A friend told me this week to stop worrying about past mistakes and focus on what I have going right in my life. That sounds like such an easy task to most people; for some reason not for me. Why is the coulda, shoulda, woulda cycle so strong for me. Its not just recently this has happened. For some reason it's been ingrained in my brain that I should have done things differently and that my life would be better. For many years I have felt that way too. I have always thought..if I had taken that job, or just stayed there or not done this or not wasted so many years with this person. I have been thinking about this for a couple of days and I now have a reason to not wish so many roads in my life were different...he is asleep in his bed and I would never change anything about my life b/c if I change one event prior to January of 2010 I most likely take Landon completely out of the equation...yes even moving back home from Denver...and that dear friend is not happening. I honestly can't imagine my life without him now. Yes it's hard, it's scarry it's frustrating @ times but Lan Man...he's my entire world. He's why I keep going when I don't want to, keep trying when nothing seems to be going right and why I now get up long  before the double digits or past them on my day off. * those who know me best are rolling on the floor laughing...the rest are thinking "seriously"?

The other problem I have is that I am scared to death to rock the boat even if it's what's best for me. I have no clue why but fear of change paralizes me to that point. But it does and I am realizing it is ridculous. This too has been ingrained since childhood. I can remember my mom saying, we would move but your grandparents are here. Now I love my parents, and I want Landon to have a relationship with them but I do not want Landon to live in the East Texas bubble like I did. I think my grandparents would mean just as much to me if I had only seen them once in a while. I want Landon to experience life and not just from East Tx. This little voice always pops off in my head when I think about moving somewhere or changing careers or doing anything that is slightly daring. That voice nine times out of ten talks me out of what ever I am thinking about. I have to shut that little voice up some how.

Why am I rambling about this? Well, because I don't want Landon to fall into those traps like I did. I don't want him to be so regretful of his past that he totally misses out on his future and I don't want him to be so scared of change that he misses out on great opportunities that await him. Fun fact only a few people know, I NEVER EVER wanted to teach in a small town. Don't get me wrong I loved my students in the little towns I have been blessed to teach in and I love them. HOWEVER, that was not where I wanted to teach. The first teaching job I ever applied for was @ an alternative school in Brooklyn. Yeah I said it....Brooklyn as in NY. Now, no I am not moving to Brooklyn,  NY with Landon. I wanted to teach there but i'm not raising my son there. Let me explain I l love teaching the kids that most teachers dread seeing on their roster. I love the ones who have a reputation before the ever walk in my class. The ones who are old enough to drive and only in Jr high, the ones who are in trouble with the law all the time, the ones who are so far behind in school even they themselves think it's hopeless.  I love the challenge of pushing them to catch up to their grade level and being sucessful.  I love the challenge of pushing them to do what they thought they couldn't do. I love their little faces when they have that "ah-ah:" moment and totaly get it. I love getting on their level and letting them know that I had the same challenges reading when I was their age. (yeah I was the girl you hated to have read out loud in class b/c it took forever and was painstakingly slow)...guess what don't under estimate that girl...I now teach your kids to read!!!  I also get it when they get frustrated b/c wasn't easy for me either. I digress again...
The point is the only way Landon is going to learn how to overcome fears, live past regrets and follow his dreams is if he sees me do it. I can't tell my kid he can be anything he wants or do anything he wants and him actually believe it if he sees me stuck in a rut my entire life. Yes I said before I was not going to move around like I did once I found a job teaching. I was not lying when I said it. I thought I would not but I realize now that moving to a new place and seeing different parts of the world is a life I want Landon to experience. I want him to see first hand you can up and move and will survive it. Sometimes you are better for it...I have firends all of this crazy state b/c I have moved so much around tx it's insane...its just sad it's only been in TX.  If people don't understand I am sorry you feel that way, but I'm through trying to make everyone else happy. I just can't please everyone. Those who truly love me will hug us bye when that day comes and realize it's what is best. Those who don't...sorry....

Slowly Life Changes but Quickly Life Passes Us By

In the last 3 weeks, Landon has learned to crawl, sit up on his own, pull himself up and stand within a few seconds. My baby is growing so fast. He is taller than I thought he would be. He has the funniest little personality; but is a total attention hog. We have definately created a monster in that department.
I found a job teaching this coming school year in Beaumont, now we are working on finding a home, day care and making sure everything transitions into place smoothly. I have found several apartments I like; however many are hesitant to talk to me because I have not rented in the last year and have not had a steady job. Ya think, I had CANCER last year and could not work full time until Feb. @ that point as a teacher all you can do is sub would be sufficient; however it's not. Anyway, I know God is in control of this situation no mater how frustrated I get. The apartment I was turned down for did not have washer and dryer connections. After thinking about this today I realize how much more convient it will be to have those available. If I don't I will have to lug Landon to whereever the Laundry room is on a regular basis. That will not be fun. At this point he's too big for his infant carrier and snuglie wrap so I would have to just watch him sit and crawl around and those floors are too yucky. So now I am making sure wherever I look does have a washer and dryer connection in the apartment.

I am worried about how things will fall into place. I know everything will work out; however I do not want to stress Landon out and want to make this transition as easy as possible. This job is perfect. Its middle school english 7th and 8th Grade. I am so excited to finally be back in a classroom. I cannot wait to get started. In one way August can't get here fast enough and in another way it could slow down. While I have all the ducks to get lined up I am wanting to make sure I have plenty of time with Landon too. I think that was one reason I wanted that apartment so bad. I wanted to be able to go ahead and get settled and make sure we are settled and have time just he and I. My family doesn't realize how ready I am to have a lazy day in my own house with Landon. Yes, we have days when it's just the two of us but its so not the same. I am ready for this chapter of my life to be over. I have realized though how much Landon has grown while I thought I  was waiting for life to begin. It was passing me up.

Cherish Every Moment

As a single parent, regetfully sometimes I get very bogged down and frustrated. Landon is teething right now so he is miserable more than he is happy. I am stressed over work or lack there of, money bills and everything else. He does not understand that and will not for many years. This past week I have witnesseed someone I know go through the most angishing experience any parent could face though and it's made me realize what all I have been taking for grated accidentially. I have known what she was facing for several weeks however the impact did not affect me until this past week when her baby was born. This amazing young woman from my home town found out in January that her child she was expecting had anacephaly( that's where the brain and skull do not develop properly). Most women in her situation will choose to abort the pregancy; Holly choose to carry the baby to term. She faced 4 months of pregnancy knowing her baby would die shortly after he was born. She had Baby Thomas on Last Friday morning and was told that he may not live beyond a few hours. Thomas, being a fighter like his mother, lived a very busy 2 and a half days. Praying for this young woman got me thinking though; it made me realize how lucky we are as parents and how much we take for granted. Never will Holly get to curl up in bed with little Thomas' and smell his fresh washed hair as he snuggles her. Never will she see his first day of school or watch him graduate from high school. Everytime I have prayed for her I realize how much of Landon's life is passing me by in the daily grind. It's not a chore to get up @ 2 am and put him back to sleep when you consider there is a Momma @ home crying right now because her baby is not there. It's not a chore to get off the computer (job hunting) and go for a walk in the park. My honest and sincere prayer is that I will forever think of Thomas and his brave mother Holly anytime I think I am too busy to do something for my child. Holly your sweet Thomas has changed more lives than you will ever know; I also know that your sweet pure human heart does have the little part of you that says but did it have to be me? For some reason it was and I am honored to have been praying without ceasing for you, Thomas. You  have changed so many of us for the better!!!


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Shortly after I wrote this another woman from our town faced the same challenge. She too knew her baby had serious birth defects but refused to abort her child. She had baby Faith about a week after Thomas's service. Knowing the angusish these two moms feel reminds me daily to never take a min I have with Landon for granted even when it is hard, I am tired, worried about how bills are going to get paid and worn out and just want to take a nap.

My Road Revised and Revisited

My Road
I've always related to Frost's "The Road Less Traveled", sometimes I think i'm not on a road but lost in the outback, tangled in the underbrush. Still I digress. I have made choices that seem to have made the road longer. What is my legacy, what will it be a wayward childlike state or is this path changing before me. I'm always on a wire, balancing my life, family and friends. I'm sure we all are, however so many times everyone seems to be pulling me an opposite direction. Then there's my heart it's just as confused and just as torn. It seems to pull me opposite of the other 3. Which do I listen to? Do I let someone down, maybe not just one down to rescue myself or do I continue this balancing act until it exausts me.

I wrote this 4 years ago but it seems I have come full circle. I am muddy, scratched and scarred from the underbrush; and now I am hiding in it. I am constantly trying to please everyone I love and yet somehow I am never happy with that decision. But when I do what I want I feel overwhelmingly guilty like I am doing something wrong. I always think of that line out of Sweet Home Alabama..."you can have roots and wings" Is that really true...how? Will someone fill me in. I know what I want out of life but for some reason I ever quite reach it or find it. All I want is a job where I can support Landon and I. The rest will fall into place as it should. I loved teaching I miss every minute of it; but thanks to the school budget cuts; I am afraid that may not be an option this year for me. I am praying something opens up somewhere but honestly it's not looking to good. I find myself looking back and asking myself why the hell did I move, why did I resign from a job that I loved to move. Why did I think it would be better there. I see the big picture, I would not have Landon had I not moved. I would have most relalisticly died from cancer that I did not know I had and may have not found out about until it was too late. Landon, That is now my world...I love him more than anything if I had to give up teaching for one person it would be him. I think of other options all the time; however, none of my ideas include major medical insurance and that is an absoulte necesity @ this point. Then I think, hell my job doesn't even provide major medical and I see insurance. That's the down side to being your own boss, you can't afford health coverage. :( I have no clue what life is bringing for us, I do know that the Road Less Traveled now includes a baby stroller or one of those cool backpack things so I have to watch my step even closer.

Life is Tough...then we nap

Things are as insane as ever here. There are a handful of strange people in this world who think without a stressful life I will wither away...people YOU ARE WRONG. I would love to have a cushy stress free life; however I'm not that fortunate YET!!
Landon is growing so fast it's not even funny. Last Saturday he cut his two bottom teeth. He had one break through in the morning and one break though @ night. :) now you can see them some they are ADORABLE!!! He's slowly being introduced to solid foods now. He's totally my kid; he could careless about the veggies give him his fruit. When he eats he sits with his arms stretched behind him and his mouth wide open it's too freaking cute.
I'm slowly getting my life back; I was finally able to find a job; not teaching. I am working as a sales rep again and straight commission is extremely scary now. I found there are alot of problems with me getting insurance as an independent sales person and not being offered group benefits from my job. I am not sure how that is going to work honestly. I am worried I'm going to run into some preexisting limits somewhere over it because here in TX individual insurance is not like group insurance; they can refuse to cover anything pre-existing even if you have insurance the entire time.
I swear at times I think things will never get back to normal. 3 years ago I was teaching and loved every min. I moved thinking it was the right thing to do; lost my job moved back and now teachers are being laid off everywhere so I cannot find a job teaching. My boss keeps talking about how I can make so much more money. People do not understand you do not go into teaching for the money you do it for the service. I am a good sales rep but my heart is not in it as much as it is teaching. People do not get that. They think we take the job to have summers off; personally I am not worried about summers off; I teach because I love helping kids I love the "ah-ha" moment when they get what I have been drilling in to their heads for months. That's my new sales rush. Now I have to switch gears and get back into this mode; it's strange and I am not sure what to think. I have always been the one to tuck my tail and run. Now I can't and it's hard. I know I can make it but it's hard..