No one Knows how it feels to unwanted

No one knows that I leave for work while my dysregulated son complains to me about how I'm a bad mom because I work too much and we stay at dance too much and are always on the go and I'm always broke to I can't buy expensive breakfast or anything else every morning. All the whole screaming that the surprise I can't imagine life without is a mistake. 

It's constant. 

I resolve one issue and another begins. But here's where he's wrong, I know exactly how to feel unwanted l. I was unwanted at home, work and school since childhood. I was told I was in the way, to be seen, not heard.... anything...

I am not wanted at my house. 

My family doesn't want me and neither does anyone else. 

My job wants a better version

I can't find a church where I feel loved and wanted 

A relationship that will last.  

Everyone loved and wanted in my life doesn't want me 

I can't take anymore 

My best friend would literally call my parents and tell them I was struggling. Since 2018 they don't know. It's like I speak one language and they speak another I'll never fit not there not here not anywhere.

No one notices or wants me ever 

Reflecting

Five years ago, I was scared, sick of insulin, tired of being uncomfortable and ready for the next 2 weeks or so to pass, so we could start a battle and I could go back to work. 4 years ago, I was tired, cancer free, going back to work, planning you first birthday, fighting with you to use a sippy cup, fighting recurring ear infections and wondering if I would ever sleep through the night again. Three years ago I wondered when you would stop having accidents, ever poop in the potty, would you always

hate bath time, would I ever get out the door on time without stopping to look at every little thing on the planet and still tired. Two years ago I was wondering if I would ever work days again and get my bed time stories back, bath time back, would you ever stop coloring on the walls daily and still not sleeping through the night, last year I was begging you to go to sleep, trying to explain what homework was, thinking you would never stop watching cars 2 and wondering how I created a night owl and a morning person. This year I'm wondering where my baby went in sixteen days you will be five. You still stay up to late but are becoming less of a morning person, I have my bedtime stories back and you now hate bath time ending. I don't want to wonder when it will end because the last five years have flown by, instead I let you stay up way past your bedtime, played with you, read you a book, listened to you tell me where you learned stuff and just let you be you. I love you to the moon and back Cuddle Bug.

Way too Long

I have been working nonstop since I moved and now we are moving again. Life is changing quickly before us. Landon is growing like crazy and I feel like I miss half of it I have to work so much. I am trying to find a higher paying job somewhere so we have more time together. Its sad that I have worked so much this past year that I could have commuted from my parents to my job and seen my child more. That's 70 miles one way; if you take the time I worked a second job every weekend and add it to what I worked for the school it's more than a commute and one job. I  feel like I have missed so much time I can't get back. I am the evil lady who takes him to daycare. I pray constantly for a different situation, yet true to Robin form when that situation begins to arrise I panic and freeze dead in my tracks. This is not the life I want for my child. I ask myself constantly what to do because I know it's not the life God wants for us either. I know that He wants a life for us where I can be a positive roll model to him and still be home to teach him right from wrong. I don't want to be so busy worrying about putting food on the table that I miss the special times with my child. I know before I blink my baby boy will be a young man starting a life of his own and I don't wanna miss a thing. I am not worried about fancy houses or cars or designer clothers. I just want a simple life where I can enjoy my child. This is my heartfelt prayer for us. I honestly could careless about the size of my home, only the ammount of love that is within it's walls.
It amazes me how much this one little life has changed my thinking and my purpose. I used to put so much stock in where I worked, what I did and how many numbers were in front of the comma on my paycheck. Now I honestly don't care as long as bills are paid and I am home with my child when it matters. I pray I figure out what is next because the road is getting long and hard and I am getting tired. I need something to give me new energy and feel the excitement of life again. I pray this journey we are on right now will provide the energy I am looking for, new possiblities always seems to give me new life and excitement. Praying that happens again.

Till next time...prayers go with you... :)

less and less time

8/28/2011
We started work this week. Well I started work, my boy started daycare. Things are going well but I miss my baby. Daycare is 15 miles the opposite direction of where I work. I am praying I find someone closer so I don't have to drive so far everyday. While he loves his caregiver and has fun there; that is an hour a day I don't see him due to commuiting time to work and back. :( I haven't gone to the gym at all this week because I feel totally guilty for not being around. I can't make myself pick him up from one sitter to drop him off with another. I hate it. I have to find a way to beable to take him there, get him and make to to the gym a few days a week and spend some quality time with him. I have gained tooo much weight from this thryoid business. I need to loose it. I am hoping to invest in a jogging stroller and a bicycle trailer over the next few months. That will give us some alternatives to the gym where I can spend time with the boy and work out. Plus I miss my lazy saturday strolls. So need them. :)

Landon is walking now, he says momma, nanna and occasionally mine. He still mostly babbles. He has learned how to throw a tantrum. They are still funny at his age but I hope we have fewer of them as time goes on. He doesn't like it when I take something away from him. Even when it's in his best interest. For example he was sitting in my lap playing with a spoon. No harm in that; however, when he went to get up and walk/ crawl off I took it away. It hurt his little feelings so bad it wasn't even funny! :)

I can't beleive he will be a year old this year. It's hard to believe a year ago I anticipating is arrival and waiting on word from biopsys and such. It's been such a long year, I am looking forward to see what next year brings.
:)

moving, jobs ect...

Life is currently kicking my butt all over the place. Everything is so up in the air, I don't know which end is up. I am trying to juggle two jobs, moving, raising a little boy to be a responsible man...my plate is over flowing more and more each day. I worry about how I am going to recover from the last year of not working and save up money. I owe more people money than anyone should ever owe. If I am not carfull I start panicing. My family wants to help but on their own terms. I understand they have lives themself but they do not understand I wish to do what I feel is best for my child even when it's not convient or fun. His little world has been turned upside down by this move, I need to keep as much stablility as possible. Some people get that, but they want to help on their terms. Their terms are not what's best for my child.
Everyone has an opinion about what's best for us. I don't need your opinion @ this point just your support. I have taken the job, moved and made the leap of faith your opinion was not given during the interview apartment hunting process everyone sat their with their mouth shut but now they open their mouth and want to tell me what I need to do after the fact. It doesn't work that way. Sorry...it doesn't.
am I hestant about this move, yes I am but not to the point that I need everyones advice, just a pat on the back and a little encouragement does my worried heart wonders @ this point. I am clinging to my faith with all my might, others are testing my faith and making me wonder if I am making the right decisions or doing the right thing. I need my doubting tomas' to keep their thoughts to themselves. I promise I have played out every single horrible bad thing that could happen over and over. I need encouragement and love right now not your criticism.
I need people to realize I am not going to let my past determine my future anymore. I am not a product of my past mistakes and failures. I am moving past those and you need to also, if you can't then perhaps we have nothing to say to each other anymore! Not trying to be rude or sound like a heifer but I am putting it all out on the table tonight.
I want what's best for my child...understand it please!!!
Sorry to rant I just had to get this off my chest!

My Road Revisited

This is off my other blog...but I think it belongs here too!!! My Road
I've always related to Frost's "The Road Less Traveled", sometimes I think i'm not on a road but lost in the outback, tangled in the underbrush. Still I digress. I have made choices that seem to have made the road longer. What is my legacy, what will it be a wayward childlike state or is this path changing before me. I'm always on a wire, balancing my life, family and friends. I'm sure we all are, however so many times everyone seems to be pulling me an opposite direction. Then there's my heart it's just as confused and just as torn. It seems to pull me opposite of the other 3. Which do I listen to? Do I let someone down, maybe not just one down to rescue myself or do I continue this balancing act until it exausts me.

I wrote this 4 years ago but it seems I have come full circle. I am muddy, scratched and scarred from the underbrush; and now I am hiding in it. I am constantly trying to please everyone I love and yet somehow I am never happy with that decision. But when I do what I want I feel overwhelmingly guilty like I am doing something wrong. I always think of that line out of Sweet Home Alabama..."you can have roots and wings" Is that really true...how? Will someone fill me in. I know what I want out of life but for some reason I ever quite reach it or find it. All I want is a job where I can support Landon and I. The rest will fall into place as it should. I loved teaching I miss every minute of it; but thanks to the school budget cuts; I am afraid that may not be an permanent option this year. I am praying as doors close I quickly find the ones that open up somewhere but honestly it's not looking to good. I find myself looking back and asking myself why did I move, why did I resign from a job that I loved to move from Jasper in the first place. Why did I think it would be better there. I see the big picture, I would not have Landon had I not moved. I would have most relalisticly not found out about that pesky cancer that I did not know I had until it was too late. Landon, That is now my world...I love him more than anything if I had to give up teaching for one person it would be him. I think of other options all the time; however, none of my ideas include major medical insurance and that is an absoulte necesity @ this point. That's the down side to being your own boss, you can't afford health coverage. :( I have no clue what life is bringing for us, I do know that the Road Less Traveled now includes a baby stroller or one of those cool backpack things for a baby so I have to watch my step even closer.

Life Lessons...another "ah-ah" moment

A friend told me this week to stop worrying about past mistakes and focus on what I have going right in my life. That sounds like such an easy task to most people; for some reason not for me. Why is the coulda, shoulda, woulda cycle so strong for me. Its not just recently this has happened. For some reason it's been ingrained in my brain that I should have done things differently and that my life would be better. For many years I have felt that way too. I have always thought..if I had taken that job, or just stayed there or not done this or not wasted so many years with this person. I have been thinking about this for a couple of days and I now have a reason to not wish so many roads in my life were different...he is asleep in his bed and I would never change anything about my life b/c if I change one event prior to January of 2010 I most likely take Landon completely out of the equation...yes even moving back home from Denver...and that dear friend is not happening. I honestly can't imagine my life without him now. Yes it's hard, it's scarry it's frustrating @ times but Lan Man...he's my entire world. He's why I keep going when I don't want to, keep trying when nothing seems to be going right and why I now get up long  before the double digits or past them on my day off. * those who know me best are rolling on the floor laughing...the rest are thinking "seriously"?

The other problem I have is that I am scared to death to rock the boat even if it's what's best for me. I have no clue why but fear of change paralizes me to that point. But it does and I am realizing it is ridculous. This too has been ingrained since childhood. I can remember my mom saying, we would move but your grandparents are here. Now I love my parents, and I want Landon to have a relationship with them but I do not want Landon to live in the East Texas bubble like I did. I think my grandparents would mean just as much to me if I had only seen them once in a while. I want Landon to experience life and not just from East Tx. This little voice always pops off in my head when I think about moving somewhere or changing careers or doing anything that is slightly daring. That voice nine times out of ten talks me out of what ever I am thinking about. I have to shut that little voice up some how.

Why am I rambling about this? Well, because I don't want Landon to fall into those traps like I did. I don't want him to be so regretful of his past that he totally misses out on his future and I don't want him to be so scared of change that he misses out on great opportunities that await him. Fun fact only a few people know, I NEVER EVER wanted to teach in a small town. Don't get me wrong I loved my students in the little towns I have been blessed to teach in and I love them. HOWEVER, that was not where I wanted to teach. The first teaching job I ever applied for was @ an alternative school in Brooklyn. Yeah I said it....Brooklyn as in NY. Now, no I am not moving to Brooklyn,  NY with Landon. I wanted to teach there but i'm not raising my son there. Let me explain I l love teaching the kids that most teachers dread seeing on their roster. I love the ones who have a reputation before the ever walk in my class. The ones who are old enough to drive and only in Jr high, the ones who are in trouble with the law all the time, the ones who are so far behind in school even they themselves think it's hopeless.  I love the challenge of pushing them to catch up to their grade level and being sucessful.  I love the challenge of pushing them to do what they thought they couldn't do. I love their little faces when they have that "ah-ah:" moment and totaly get it. I love getting on their level and letting them know that I had the same challenges reading when I was their age. (yeah I was the girl you hated to have read out loud in class b/c it took forever and was painstakingly slow)...guess what don't under estimate that girl...I now teach your kids to read!!!  I also get it when they get frustrated b/c wasn't easy for me either. I digress again...
The point is the only way Landon is going to learn how to overcome fears, live past regrets and follow his dreams is if he sees me do it. I can't tell my kid he can be anything he wants or do anything he wants and him actually believe it if he sees me stuck in a rut my entire life. Yes I said before I was not going to move around like I did once I found a job teaching. I was not lying when I said it. I thought I would not but I realize now that moving to a new place and seeing different parts of the world is a life I want Landon to experience. I want him to see first hand you can up and move and will survive it. Sometimes you are better for it...I have firends all of this crazy state b/c I have moved so much around tx it's insane...its just sad it's only been in TX.  If people don't understand I am sorry you feel that way, but I'm through trying to make everyone else happy. I just can't please everyone. Those who truly love me will hug us bye when that day comes and realize it's what is best. Those who don't...sorry....