I'm still extremely tired and very grouchy at times; I'm asking about that on Wednesday when I see my Doctor; he said I should be feeling more like my old self...I hate to break it to you Doc...it's not happening and quiet frankly it's frustrating me. I do not have time to be a walking zombie; I have a job to find. It's really scary knowing I may have to move at a moment's notice. I'm having to 100% trust God with this one. If I start worrying about day care and apartments right now I will probablly have a massive panic attack. It's not that I am not thinking about it; I know where to start but my first priority has to be landing the job interview. I have general ideas about where to look for apartments and day care in every city I am applying for but there is not much use in me looking too far into it until I know where God is leading me for a job. I trust there is a school for me. It may be here in my home town; or it may be far away from here. I pray my family remembers that if I have to move it's out of necesity to provide for Landon; not because I want to. First of all the thought of moving and truely raising Landon on my own sends me into a panic; I know God is with me and will never give me more than I can handle and he has a plan for us. I have to to trust God completely. I would love to be able to find something locally and stay; but it may not be where God wants me. I'm giving it to him. Yes a local position means not having to worry about finding an apartment so fast; or day care and I don't have to find a new church...those are all positives. But what if God has another school for me. What if the students God wants me to reach are not here; what if they are in another city? I found a job with a school today that is not teaching but would be right up my alley working with at risk kids. I can't help but wonder if God may have a job like that for me. Yes it's way out of my comfort zone and far from home but so many times I have said I'm giving it to God but then I try to take over because I don't like the direction my life seems to be going. I have to trust God to put us where he wants us. I have to do this right; I have to lead by example and show Landon how to trust God completely even when you are scared to death. The thought of moving away from my friends and family right now makes me panic; but something tells me that may be where I am supose to be. I alway try to stay in my comfort zone but that's not always where God wants us; we don't grow that way. I have to push kids out of their comfort zone to help them become better readers. If they only read the easy books; they will never become advanced readers. God may be doing that with me now. He may be pushing me where I have to depend on him totally.
With everything that has happened this year I see where God has opened doors for me that I never expected. I have been in contact with old friends I have not talked to in years. Friends who hold me accountable for my actions and my faith. Friends that when I was younger helped me Walk the Walk and not just Talk the Talk. That's the problem; at the begining of this year I was just talking the talk. My walk was not where it needed to be at all. (thus how I became a single mom) Through all of this I have realized my walk will be the most important thing I teach Landon over the next 18 years. My job is to help him become the man God wants him to be while still becoming the Woman God wants me to be. It's going to be a delicate balance but I know with God's help I can do it. Walking the walk is the best gift I can give Landon ever.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Our First Christmas
Today was Landon's first Christmas. He was adorable watching the lights. He just stares at them. I'm sure I went overboard since he is so young; but I was so grateful to be here. I think that was part of it. I was so worried that I was going to miss today. I am grateful to know that we will have many more Christmas's to come. Christmas meant alot more too me this year though; it wasn't about the gifts I recieved or where I went. It was about sitting around playing with Landon. It was about being thankful that I found out about all of this in time to know I have more Christmas' to celebrate with my son.
He has started babbling to everything. It's too funny; I laid him in his bed tonight while I was folding laundry; he spent 30 minutes talking to his mobile. I have no clue what he and those little toys spinning around talk about but it's an intense conversation. I can't help but giggle when he does it. Now when I lay him down in front of me he has started smiling and cooing @ me and it's adorable. My mom and sister said he started doing it about a week and a half ago. I told them it did not count until I saw it! He just oo's and ah's at everything now. It's amazing that I left and he was more alert but not really being very vocal; he would make a sound here and there. When he did make sounds a few weeks ago he would get a startled look like "what was that" or "did I make that sound" it was cute. Now he knows he's making those sounds and just talks to you all the time.
He has started babbling to everything. It's too funny; I laid him in his bed tonight while I was folding laundry; he spent 30 minutes talking to his mobile. I have no clue what he and those little toys spinning around talk about but it's an intense conversation. I can't help but giggle when he does it. Now when I lay him down in front of me he has started smiling and cooing @ me and it's adorable. My mom and sister said he started doing it about a week and a half ago. I told them it did not count until I saw it! He just oo's and ah's at everything now. It's amazing that I left and he was more alert but not really being very vocal; he would make a sound here and there. When he did make sounds a few weeks ago he would get a startled look like "what was that" or "did I make that sound" it was cute. Now he knows he's making those sounds and just talks to you all the time.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Home!
I got to come home today! When I went to the Doctor yesterday for the body scan to make sure the radiation worked; they told me there were not even traces of Radioactive Iodine in my neck. Translation--I am safe to hug kiss and love on Landon as much as I want. The nuclear nurse asked me to give it until today to come home so I followed state regulations but that I could hold him all day safely if I wanted! :) Happy Momma and Happy Baby!
I go back to the Dr in two weeks and I'm praying he says what I've been dying to hear! No more Cancer! YAY!!!
When I got home; I called my friend and asked her did she want me to come to her house or did she want meet me here; she said she was on her way! When he got here I was amazed how much bigger he is even in a week! He is longer and bigger! He started crying for a few minutes but then he snuggled up to me and we both fell asleep! Anytime I put him down he would wake up fussing. It's too funny because he has started sucking his thumb when he cannot find his binky! I keep trying to hurry and put the binky in his mouth before he finds his thumb! LOL I figure a binky will be easier to break @ a year than a thumb will.
Anyway, more later for now I have lots of hugs and kisses waiting and I am no where near caught up!!!
I go back to the Dr in two weeks and I'm praying he says what I've been dying to hear! No more Cancer! YAY!!!
When I got home; I called my friend and asked her did she want me to come to her house or did she want meet me here; she said she was on her way! When he got here I was amazed how much bigger he is even in a week! He is longer and bigger! He started crying for a few minutes but then he snuggled up to me and we both fell asleep! Anytime I put him down he would wake up fussing. It's too funny because he has started sucking his thumb when he cannot find his binky! I keep trying to hurry and put the binky in his mouth before he finds his thumb! LOL I figure a binky will be easier to break @ a year than a thumb will.
Anyway, more later for now I have lots of hugs and kisses waiting and I am no where near caught up!!!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sleep for the weary
After my rant last night I went home and went to sleep finally. I slept most of the day; a luxury most new moms may be jealous over. I promise you it's no fun; if given my choice I would rather be home with him watching him learn to smile. Instead I have to settle for listening to his Nana describe it and try to imagine it. I probablly slept way too much today but I figure my body needed it. Maybe not; I always freak out when I sleep too much because I wonder what's wrong with me. I don't like that my body can sleep without registering that it's daylight outside. To me that's not normal anymore. At one point in my life it was; this is not that point though. So the extended sleep makes me nervous. Yes time passes and I am unaware of it but still. Tomorrow I have lots to do and I am hoping that the extra work keeps me distracted so that the day actually flies by. Then I only have one more day to get through. I want to break out and sing Les Mis "One Day More!"
My sister jokes that when Landon is 16 she will remind me of this journey and how I cried everyday that I could not hug or kiss him. She is so animated; she said "you know at 16 you''re going to be praying for a vacation. I going to remind you that you had all this time away when he was a newborn that you cried over!" It may be true but what new mom wants to leave her baby. Even when he's collicy, screamins, constipated and in agony he's my baby. I'm all gushy with love for him and wanna just get to know him. I don't wanna spend that time being away from him because I'm not safe to hold him. :(
Anyway, I'm off for now. Starbucks is crowded so I wanna pack up and go back to my little room for a nap.
Tomorrow is one day closer to the end of this Journey. 2010 you have been a wild ride; my best and worst both happened in one frail swoop. What was 2011 hold? Time will only tell!.
My sister jokes that when Landon is 16 she will remind me of this journey and how I cried everyday that I could not hug or kiss him. She is so animated; she said "you know at 16 you''re going to be praying for a vacation. I going to remind you that you had all this time away when he was a newborn that you cried over!" It may be true but what new mom wants to leave her baby. Even when he's collicy, screamins, constipated and in agony he's my baby. I'm all gushy with love for him and wanna just get to know him. I don't wanna spend that time being away from him because I'm not safe to hold him. :(
Anyway, I'm off for now. Starbucks is crowded so I wanna pack up and go back to my little room for a nap.
Tomorrow is one day closer to the end of this Journey. 2010 you have been a wild ride; my best and worst both happened in one frail swoop. What was 2011 hold? Time will only tell!.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Meeting Santa
My Darkest Hour
Well today is day 6 of my Radioactive Iodine Treatment. I have been out of the Hospital for 3 days now; but still not safe enough to be near my baby for another 5. It's a long slow process waiting on this to end. Everyone keeps saying "your almost through this" and yes I am; however these people are not the ones that are away from their family. I know they mean well and I am very grateful but being stuck in Isololation @ the hospital for 3 days then another 2 days of sitting in a room alone for most of the day because you did not need to spend more than an hour next to anyone. Last night I was able to actually able to leave and stay out for more than a short time. It helped but still I'm ready to go home. I miss my baby. I told my Mom that if he sits up and says "Hi Mom!" It does not count until I'm home to see it.
Before I started this treatment my Dr advised me that this would get worse before it gets better. She said the depression, exaustion and emotional rollercoaster would become even more evident. And to top it off I could gain more weight. NOW WAIT A MIN! I did not sign up for that. The hardest part of this is the isolation. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a social butterfly. I don't like to sit alone for a day; much less 8 consecutive days.
That's the hardest part; I'm worried how many firsts I am going to miss being away from home. I know this is a short moment in a lifetime but right now time is going by so slow it feels like a lifetime. People don't realize it. I have had people compare it their baby being in NICU and other things...it's similar but I can have absoultely NO CONTACT with my child. In NICU in most circumstances parents can see their child, and touch him with gloves or through the tents. I can't even do that. There is not a single thing I can do to safely touch my child. Not until Wednesday; and what is frustrating is the Doctor's said that on Wednesday I SHOULD be safe to go home; not definately. But when I question that they say the same canned statement. "You need to avoid all contact with Infants or Small Children until 8 days after Dosing." I will ask am I safe to hold him, hug him and kiss him and then they say "I SHOULD be" I don't want a should be...I want a definately without a doubt no question in their mind I am 100% safe to hug and kiss and love on my child. If it's not safe at that point; I could accept that but they skirt the issue and it's frustrating. When I search online I find all kinds of different information and that just confuses me even more. This is the most emotional rollercoaster ride I have ever been on and it's frustrating. Between my body reacting to the lack of thryoid hormone, the post partum, and the stress of no job, raising a baby alone and everything else I'm ready to scream. Maybe that's what this part of my blog is for...to vent it out so I can manage it again. For me writing is my stress relief....it's how I get it out cope and move on.
I know a job will open up, I know Landon and I will be fine. I guess right now is just the darkest hour before the sun and it's taking a toll on me. I remember my mom telling me once that she noticed I freaked out over my problems alot between midnight and 4 am. She pointed out to me that I was worring about them in the darkest hours of the day. She reminded me that as a Christian I should not be worrying about them; I should be handing them over to God. She told me it's human to want to worry about our problems and to remember to give them to God. She also pointed out that when we worry when it's that late at night; we can't see anything but the darkness. We can't see the light at all. I don't know if that makes sence to anyone but me but it does.
This week is my darkest hour right now. It's the last few days before I can go home to my child. Time goes by so slowly for me here. I know that I have a lifetime with my child because of these 2 weeks. We will have other problems that come our way throughout this life. It's my job to hold my head up and try to stay positive; even now he can sence that. (See...i'm feeling better...) I know that life will have it's snares and hard times; it also has plenty of smiles and giggles coming our way. Until Wednesday I will sit here and wonder what that giggle will sound like once he finds it....
Before I started this treatment my Dr advised me that this would get worse before it gets better. She said the depression, exaustion and emotional rollercoaster would become even more evident. And to top it off I could gain more weight. NOW WAIT A MIN! I did not sign up for that. The hardest part of this is the isolation. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a social butterfly. I don't like to sit alone for a day; much less 8 consecutive days.
That's the hardest part; I'm worried how many firsts I am going to miss being away from home. I know this is a short moment in a lifetime but right now time is going by so slow it feels like a lifetime. People don't realize it. I have had people compare it their baby being in NICU and other things...it's similar but I can have absoultely NO CONTACT with my child. In NICU in most circumstances parents can see their child, and touch him with gloves or through the tents. I can't even do that. There is not a single thing I can do to safely touch my child. Not until Wednesday; and what is frustrating is the Doctor's said that on Wednesday I SHOULD be safe to go home; not definately. But when I question that they say the same canned statement. "You need to avoid all contact with Infants or Small Children until 8 days after Dosing." I will ask am I safe to hold him, hug him and kiss him and then they say "I SHOULD be" I don't want a should be...I want a definately without a doubt no question in their mind I am 100% safe to hug and kiss and love on my child. If it's not safe at that point; I could accept that but they skirt the issue and it's frustrating. When I search online I find all kinds of different information and that just confuses me even more. This is the most emotional rollercoaster ride I have ever been on and it's frustrating. Between my body reacting to the lack of thryoid hormone, the post partum, and the stress of no job, raising a baby alone and everything else I'm ready to scream. Maybe that's what this part of my blog is for...to vent it out so I can manage it again. For me writing is my stress relief....it's how I get it out cope and move on.
I know a job will open up, I know Landon and I will be fine. I guess right now is just the darkest hour before the sun and it's taking a toll on me. I remember my mom telling me once that she noticed I freaked out over my problems alot between midnight and 4 am. She pointed out to me that I was worring about them in the darkest hours of the day. She reminded me that as a Christian I should not be worrying about them; I should be handing them over to God. She told me it's human to want to worry about our problems and to remember to give them to God. She also pointed out that when we worry when it's that late at night; we can't see anything but the darkness. We can't see the light at all. I don't know if that makes sence to anyone but me but it does.
This week is my darkest hour right now. It's the last few days before I can go home to my child. Time goes by so slowly for me here. I know that I have a lifetime with my child because of these 2 weeks. We will have other problems that come our way throughout this life. It's my job to hold my head up and try to stay positive; even now he can sence that. (See...i'm feeling better...) I know that life will have it's snares and hard times; it also has plenty of smiles and giggles coming our way. Until Wednesday I will sit here and wonder what that giggle will sound like once he finds it....
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Surgery...recovery and colic...
Well Landon is 6 weeks old on Monday. We have already made more road trips than any newborn should have to take. Glad he sleeps well in the back seat of a car.
I have had my surgery. The doctor's are optomomistic that this is the only surgery I'll need. Thank you Lord! I am not sure how I would juggle a newborn and many more of these. I went into surgery thinking "I had a c-section" and managed fine from recovering from that and taking care of him..this won't be much different. For the record you use your neck muscles 200 million more times in a day than you do your abs...explains why we don't have alot of neck fat. LOL :)
I never knew it could hurt so bad just to sneeze, cough or clear my throat. My voice is all scratch and I'm praying that it heals properly but I'm not sure yet how I will sound. I'm praying I can still sing too but the vertict is still out on that one too. To top it off I have absolutely no thryoid hormone in my body until we do the body scan to know they got all the cancer with surgery. So I am not even more of a zombie than most new moms. I have also been told I will become more lethargic, emotional, depressed and have a strong chance of weight gain...these are not words any woman who just had a baby needs to hear!
We are doing alot better now that we know my little one is alergic to milk protien and has acid reflux. The doctor's remedies are working. Only time will tell if he will out grow either of these ailments.
So much has changed in the last 6 weeks. As I was having a baby, one of my best friends started a new relationship. Between taking care of the baby and him with a new girlfriend we hardly ever talk. It's hard at times that someone I talked to almost everyday during my pregnancy now only calls here and there. I realize now how much I took him for granted just assuming he would always be around. Wow I was selfish.
Landon is growing like crazy. My dad still has not met him in person. He will be home Monday morning. I can't wait for him to meet him. I have to get tons of pictures because my dad works out of town so he won't see Landon too much until he retires...I hope that's soon.
Landon is staying awake alot more during the day but still is a night owl for a couple hours late at night. He's making so many more noises and holding his head up more. He's changing so fast. I uploaded some pictures today from my camera and I honestly could not believe how much he's grown in the last month and a half. I happen to have 2 pictures about a month apart of him in the same onzie and it's amazing how baggie that thing looked on him a month ago versus today.
I have people still questioning my decisions regarding Landon's Father. I honestly just wish people would respect my decision and let it go. He is not a part of our lives...that's it..I get tired of people bringing up old hurts. I feel like this is his loss not mine and certianly not Landon's.
I don't owe explainations to acquantances or friends. I will owe explainations to my son and will explain when he is old enough to understand. Enough said..
God will get Landon and I through anything. While our journey is only begining we are already fighting cancer, surviving surgery and colic all in one week. :)
I have had my surgery. The doctor's are optomomistic that this is the only surgery I'll need. Thank you Lord! I am not sure how I would juggle a newborn and many more of these. I went into surgery thinking "I had a c-section" and managed fine from recovering from that and taking care of him..this won't be much different. For the record you use your neck muscles 200 million more times in a day than you do your abs...explains why we don't have alot of neck fat. LOL :)
I never knew it could hurt so bad just to sneeze, cough or clear my throat. My voice is all scratch and I'm praying that it heals properly but I'm not sure yet how I will sound. I'm praying I can still sing too but the vertict is still out on that one too. To top it off I have absolutely no thryoid hormone in my body until we do the body scan to know they got all the cancer with surgery. So I am not even more of a zombie than most new moms. I have also been told I will become more lethargic, emotional, depressed and have a strong chance of weight gain...these are not words any woman who just had a baby needs to hear!
We are doing alot better now that we know my little one is alergic to milk protien and has acid reflux. The doctor's remedies are working. Only time will tell if he will out grow either of these ailments.
So much has changed in the last 6 weeks. As I was having a baby, one of my best friends started a new relationship. Between taking care of the baby and him with a new girlfriend we hardly ever talk. It's hard at times that someone I talked to almost everyday during my pregnancy now only calls here and there. I realize now how much I took him for granted just assuming he would always be around. Wow I was selfish.
Landon is growing like crazy. My dad still has not met him in person. He will be home Monday morning. I can't wait for him to meet him. I have to get tons of pictures because my dad works out of town so he won't see Landon too much until he retires...I hope that's soon.
Landon is staying awake alot more during the day but still is a night owl for a couple hours late at night. He's making so many more noises and holding his head up more. He's changing so fast. I uploaded some pictures today from my camera and I honestly could not believe how much he's grown in the last month and a half. I happen to have 2 pictures about a month apart of him in the same onzie and it's amazing how baggie that thing looked on him a month ago versus today.
I have people still questioning my decisions regarding Landon's Father. I honestly just wish people would respect my decision and let it go. He is not a part of our lives...that's it..I get tired of people bringing up old hurts. I feel like this is his loss not mine and certianly not Landon's.
I don't owe explainations to acquantances or friends. I will owe explainations to my son and will explain when he is old enough to understand. Enough said..
God will get Landon and I through anything. While our journey is only begining we are already fighting cancer, surviving surgery and colic all in one week. :)
Saturday, October 9, 2010
He is here~
Landon Gabriel took his first breath @ 9:30 AM on October 4, 2010. He weighed 7bls and 11 oz and is 19 3/4 inches long. He is a very happy healthy baby. I was not able to see him till around 2:30 because he was under observation since he was a c-section baby and I had developed diabetes. They monitored him for several hours. When they finally brought him to me I was estatic. We spent several days in the Hospital and came home late Thursday night. I was exausted; however, my little man seemed to have had a 2nd wind. I am working on getting him on a sleep schedule; he seems to have his days and nights mixed up; hoping to fix that soon. I am very thankful for him. This is hard though I'm having all these emotions including anger, happyness, sadness, joy and so many others. I feel like i'm on a roller coaster of emotions right now. I hope I can get things straight soon. I hope we can hurry up and have my 2nd surgery and put all of this behind us. For now though, I'm going back to play wiht my baby; he's starting to wake up. :)
Friday, October 1, 2010
A few days to go
As I sit here sleeplessly awaiting the arrival of Landon. I'm overwhelmed with thoughts and anxiety. I'm so anxious to meet him; and yet over a thousand times before I have told my friends enjoy these last few days of sleep. They always just rolled their eyes. Now I totally get it; i'm so ready and nervous that I can't sleep. I have tried 3 times tonight; still not working. So at 5 am I give up and do what I do best; write myself to sleep. And it's working. I feel the stress melting away as I try to type this all out. I have about a million thoughts and can't keep them straight. People to call, housework to do, things to finish; more laundry to wash so on and so forth. I know I will get it all done but I still lay here feeling him kick and wonder what he's going to be like. Who will he act like, look like, what type of music is he going to write. Will he be artisitic or pratical? Will he develop my eclectic taste? Will he be a people pleaser like me or march to the beat of his own drum? The thoughts fill my mind; I'm thankful for them. I thank God right now that I have something to fill my brain with other than being sick; I'm thankful that I have years of future to look forward to and it gives me more strength to fight. I read a quote one day that said when she feels she can't go on she just looks in her son's eyes and sees the reason to keep fighting. That's my anthem right now only instead of looking in his eyes; I just rest my hand on my stomach and let him kick me and roll. I pray that everything will work out for the better in the end and that Landon and I will be just fine. :)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
My Story The Beginings
Within the next 2 weeks; I will offically be a single mom. Not just any single mom but a single mom that has found out she has thyroid cancer. Amazingly if it were not for the baby, I may not have found out about the cancer until it was too late. The cancer is in the very early stages and I am hopeful that it will be behind me by the begining of 2011. My doctor has said the prognosis is good; I'm praying the Dr. he refered me to says the same thing; I know I will breathe a sigh of relief when this is behind me.
As for my story, I'm a single mom. The father is not in the picture and as scared as I am I can do this and I know I can. The irony is that I have always admired my friends who were single moms; they are like superwoman in street clothes to me. They seem so fearless; yet I'm scared to death. I find myself questioning everything and worrying that I'm already making the right decisions for my son and he's not even taken his first breath. I don't think I'm being over cautious I just want to know I'm own the right track and right now that track is very blury.
I'm a Christian and God has pulled every security blanket and every thing I usually depend on away in the last few months to help me learn to lean on him more. For example; I lost my job as a teacher @ the end of the year; every interview I have had since then has been a closed door. Nothing says hot mess in a dress like being in your 30's single, expecting a baby and jobless.
I firmly believe that when God closes a door he opens a window and it has been a test these last few months; knowing this baby is on his way and I am still without a job. Now I understand though; I'm about to be too sick to work; so it's best I stay home with my son in the begining and bond with him; get past this hurdle and trust God to open a door for a job as 2011 unfolds.
While I did not exactly anticpate being a mom I am excited to no end. I find myself wondering who he will look like, what type of music will he like, what sports will he like. There are 40 million unanswered questions that only time will answer. I'm looking forward to the next page of my journey where I will meet Landon Gabriel. I can't wait to see what lies ahead for both of us. I will write more soon.
As for my story, I'm a single mom. The father is not in the picture and as scared as I am I can do this and I know I can. The irony is that I have always admired my friends who were single moms; they are like superwoman in street clothes to me. They seem so fearless; yet I'm scared to death. I find myself questioning everything and worrying that I'm already making the right decisions for my son and he's not even taken his first breath. I don't think I'm being over cautious I just want to know I'm own the right track and right now that track is very blury.
I'm a Christian and God has pulled every security blanket and every thing I usually depend on away in the last few months to help me learn to lean on him more. For example; I lost my job as a teacher @ the end of the year; every interview I have had since then has been a closed door. Nothing says hot mess in a dress like being in your 30's single, expecting a baby and jobless.
I firmly believe that when God closes a door he opens a window and it has been a test these last few months; knowing this baby is on his way and I am still without a job. Now I understand though; I'm about to be too sick to work; so it's best I stay home with my son in the begining and bond with him; get past this hurdle and trust God to open a door for a job as 2011 unfolds.
While I did not exactly anticpate being a mom I am excited to no end. I find myself wondering who he will look like, what type of music will he like, what sports will he like. There are 40 million unanswered questions that only time will answer. I'm looking forward to the next page of my journey where I will meet Landon Gabriel. I can't wait to see what lies ahead for both of us. I will write more soon.
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